my milkshake was too vanilla

blast you port city java! you new people, you milk in the cappucino forgetters, you chunky ice in the ice cream in the milkshake putter inners, i had a milkshake today! the first one of the summer! and... unfortunately, the beach was over before i started savoring the memory of it, and my summer ends in two weeks.

when i came home, there were candles on the porch and the grill. i saw my dad walking around wearing his fish shirt. it was exciting to have a cookout after this exhausting day. meat!

staying with grandma was great. we talked a lot again, and there was a potluck on friday night at the clubhouse, so i ate a TON of good food. i also had a good night's sleep as opposed to monday or sunday night, i forgot which. i didn't have any coffee this time, and this time i wasn't a lazy bum and got my bear to sleep with. that is just it. i have to have something to hug, if i don't, i just can't sleep. i have to curl my arms up and cram my hands underneath my pillow or bear or myself to keep them from hurting and to keep warm. i could see myself having a potential problem if i ever got married. a man and bear and me in the bed probably won't work.

i really didn't want to get up this morning. grandma made me a gallon of oatmeal. i just sat at the table shoving it in my mouth, i couldn't do it anymore, i thought i was going to puke. the thing about it was, i always make oatmeal with water. she made it with milk...

i wasn't really at all nervous about the race this morning. i ran under 25 minutes, which was my goal, i was conservative with my speed, and i felt pretty good minus my tummy. that's frustrating sometimes, knowing my legs and stuff could have kept going, but my tummy could not. the course was also slightly different and still as tough. however i passed people that i passed on the fourth of july race, which was reassuring, but i just really run this race for the experience and not to compete. the finish line... was on an uphill. it was loaded with people and tourists. i was going to puke. i was heaving in the chute, and i looked up and it was solid people. i went under the tape marking off the chute and started walking until i got to the inside most part of the sidewalk (still surrounded by people) and held onto the wall of a parking deck, i think the bb and t one. i thought, if i'm gonna puke, i'm going to stick my head in this wall and do it in the deck. but it passed thank God. i saw kissling and stroup, and that was nice. it really made me miss cross country. talking to them was like i was still in high school, that was the best part of it to me, running and having them as coaches. it was positive overall. the side effects from the accutane are in full force right now, but it's all something i've done before. one more day that goes by means one more day closer to being done.

this august marks one year of being hospital free! i really want to stay healthy, for one, and for two, quit WORRYING! this woman in eckerds the other day asked me where something was, and i went to show her, and she almost passed out, so I grabbed her arm so she wouldn’t fall. she apologized and said she was weak because she had cancer. and if she can drive and go to the store to buy chocolate, i hate worrying. i know it's just stupid anxiety, and in all reality, i am alright. it could be worse. it is all relative.

grandma has to have surgery on her back again, and they're doing it on monday. it will be ok hopefully. i just don't want her to have pain in it anymore.

tired. i'm ok, but kind of stressed out, and i am having irrational sadness that i am trying to rationalize.

thursday, i should not fail to mention, was amazing in many different ways, but at the same time i am realizing that it really isn't something i can keep mentioning in my journal, it's significance is deeper than a casual, oh, i did this today and it was great, but i can't put it into words, it's like these feelings that i just have to keep inside and reveal only at certain times. sometimes i can't believe i am so open as i am being now, and i'm not even sure if i really wanted to be that open, but at the same time, it feels ok, comfortable, so that is what i am doing. there are no words. there are experiences and conversations, and quiet moments together that while silent, communicate so much.

i am starting to look up, not that i was really down or anything, but hopefully my anxiety is subsiding.

and i work tomorrow. i have a 40 hour week, but i have wednesday and thursday completely off, which will be nice.

bed!